The Executrix
by constantinterruptions
Summary: See, the tricky little thing about wizard wills, is that unlike human wills it wasn't just codicils and statements about the disposition of assets.
1. Chapter 1

The executrix

It was time. She had cried her eyes out for a few days, packed a few things, made a few enchantments for the house and bought the groceries. And of course, like any good mother, she had left Cho a note.

"I'll be out for a few days on some Ministry business."

That was the only note she left her daughter before stepping out of her house into the cold Scottish rain. There was no way in hell, Chang Ying Fei, a sensible woman of thirty-seven could explain what she was about to do. Well to be fair, it was always difficult to explain what Sirius Black wanted people to do. And if that little asshole, had not decided to just die, she wouldn't have been bound.

See, the tricky little thing about wizard wills, is that unlike human wills it wasn't just codicils and statements about the disposition of assets. Magic folk had the tendency to hold grudges and the wonderful person who first created the structure of the Wizard Will and who pushed for its recognition by the Ministry of Magic was none other than Hesper Black, a sodden bitch, who willed her daughter-in-law, Walburga Black, the cruciatus curse. Now that wasn't to mean that she taught Walburga the cruciatus curse but that she had her son-in-law, Ignatius Prewett, to execute the cruciatus curse, on her lovely charm of a daughter-in-law.

Two years ago, before Sirius died, he deigned her the pleasure of a little visit, outside the Ministry of Magic.

 _His hair was long and untangled, like a Pantene commercial, as he leaned charmingly against his monstrosity of a motorcycle._

" _Hello Ying!" he waved as he saw her exit the phone booth._

" _What the fuck." Her eyes shot open, her hand grasping for the wand hidden in her robes. "Black. You're supposed to be in Azkaban."_

 _He sneered._

" _I got out. Wasn't too difficult."_

" _Fuck you, Black. We're outside the Ministry of Magic. There are muggles here." Her hand still on her wand, she strode closer to him threateningly._

" _Haven't you heard, Ying? I killed 12 of them." He howled in laughter. Threw his head back and gave one of the stage laughs he gave when he was being ironic. Fucking drama queen._

" _You're deranged."_

" _At least I'm not a murderer_." _He cocked his head towards the motorcycle, "You coming?"_

" _Fine."_

It took two hours and fourteen shots of firewhisky for her to accept Sirius Black's explanation and his proposal. Unfortunately for YingFei, she had always been a sucker for Black's whining and by-god did he whine that night.

" _Please Ying. Please. I'll give you my motorcycle."_

" _How old do you think I am Black? 14? That's not going to work."_

" _What about money?"_

" _No. Merlin knows what you have on your will." She downed another shot of firewhisky. Good, she could still hold her liquor._

" _For old time's sake?" He wheedled, leaning against her._

" _For goodness sake." She muttered._

To be fair, it was her fault. She was 11, standing on Platform 9 ¾ s, she was familiar with English but it was a hesitant friend; she spoke it haltingly with an obviously forced _RP_ accent. _RP,_ because that was how all the lords and ladies spoke.

Her parents were standing with her, fussing over the condition of her suitcase, one wheel was broken but it was okay, because there were teachers who could help her move it. Her mother was dressed in her best Qipao; her father was wearing his only suit; she smelled strongly of white lotus oil and her robe was patched with different shades of black cotton.

She was struggling to get her suitcases on the train. Her father pushed the suitcase from the platform and she pulled with as much vigour as she could. Noone stopped at the spectacular sight, a soon-to-be witch and two muggles trying to place two abnormally large cases on to a magic train. Well, one person did. A young boy, black hair flapping into his eyes, waved his wand with ease and both suitcases shrunk into a manageable size and weight.

And that was how Lee Ying Fei, now Chang Ying Fei, met Sirius Black.

-.-

She was on a Virgin Train to London. It was absolutely ridiculous – £100 just to get to London, after a 2 hour delay at the Edinburgh station, for a four hour train ride with absolutely nothing to do. But this was the only way no one could track her. It was bad enough Cho had gotten in trouble in school for Dumbledore's Army. This was a bad political climate and the best thing to do to stay alive was to keep your head down and become invisible.

She opened the will she had signed two years ago.

 _Dear Ying_ , (Ah! Black's disgustingly messy script)

 _Sorry for all the crap. The massive scare outside MOM, a couple days back, and when I didn't tell you I didn't actually kill 12 people. I know we are supposed to be mates but it's a little difficult seeing that I was arrested and under the watch of a couple of Dementors._

 _The point is: you're my best mate aside from Remus. But you have a knack for surviving unlike Remus who has gotten himself into quite a few scrapes. I know, I used to rag you for not supporting Dumbledore outright when You-Know-Who was about (I'm calling him that because you're not a big fan of the name No Nose) but obviously unlike quite a few of my mates, you are alive and did not end up in Azkaban, which probably means that you were sort of right._

 _Sorry I'm deviating from the subject – anyway I, Sirius Orion Black, name you, Lee Ying Fei, to act as the executrix of my will to dispense with my estate and act as per my wishes from beyond the grave. The terms of my will are: -_

14 absolutely ridiculous terms and 14 people she had to visit. Great, thanks Black.

" _Hey Ying!" Black bounded into her corner of the Astronomy Tower._

" _What?" she snapped. Her hair was tied up into a messy bun, ink was smeared across her fingers and the tip of her quill was on the verge of breaking. Transfiguration had never been her strong suit. Something, something about having a constructed form of the object in her had._

" _Guess who got with Mckinnon?" He grinned, jumping on to her desk._

" _You did Wonder boy. Yay you!" she put down her quill and pointed her wand towards it, transfiguring it into a pen. "Fuck it, Mcgonagall would rather read my un-smudged handwriting."_

" _All thanks to you, Ying. Mckinnon is head over heels in love with me."_

" _Yes Sirius. Because she's been in love with you since first year," she picked up the pen and began to scribble formulas on to a piece of parchment._

" _She snogged me and my heart exploded. I'm in … looooooveeee," he sang, lying across the desk._

" _No Sirius. You say this every time a moderately attractive girls snogs you. And then you fall out of lust once you shag her." Ying Fei rolled her eyes. She went back to drawing her scribbled out formula._

" _What are you doing?" Sirius conjured a pack of cigarettes into his hands._

" _String theory and Transfiguration, I'm going to prove magic is just science."_

" _You're insane, Ying." He looked at her with a smile. "Want a smoke?"_

" _Yes, please."_

Virgin trains. Haha, hilarious. Sirius had always wanted to take the train so he could proudly proclaim that he had been in a virgin. She took off her glasses, watching as the English countryside sped past her. If he had been here, he would probably have made a joke about the past, tell her about how terrible Grimmaud Place was and how he'd spruce it up after the war. She closed her eyes.

 _They were seventeen. The grass next to the Great Lake had grown long. Little white flowers were blooming across it. She threaded the fingers of her left hand amidst the stems and blew out a ring of smoke._

" _Hey Ying," Sirius broke the silence._

" _Mm?"_

" _You're one of the only family I have."_

 _She closed her eyes lazily._

" _Love you too, Sirius."_


	2. Clause 1: The Dursleys

_Clause 1: The Dursleys'_

She arrived at the train station in Surrey, looking a little worse for wear. Her bun wasn't as tightly wound as before and her suit was a tad crinkled. She hailed a cab.

"Where to Mam?" a red-faced driver asked her.

"Erm… hold on… Number 4 Privet Drive, please" she replied as she slipped into the backseat. Surrey was a lovely place. Close enough to London for her and Philip to get to work and for Cho to get to school. It was absolutely ridiculous for Wizards who lived in Scotland to travel all the way down to London when Hogwarts was in Scotland as well. And the town was rather charming – little cottages and nicely trimmed rose bushes. Suburbia in paradise. Sirius would have hated it.

" _It's ridiculous! Cho in Dumbledore's Army!" she downed a shot of whisky._

" _You're drinking with a convicted mass murderer…" Sirius trailed off, looking at her warily._

" _Ah, Philip doesn't know." She shot back, pouring herself another shot, "also look at this… golden brown… so much nicer than that crap you call Firewhisky."_

 _They were sitting in her home in Edinburgh – one of the lovely houses in the suburbs with a fireplace for good measure. The walls of the room were cheerfully painted Hufflepuff yellow and filled with Ikea furniture – comfortable armchairs which had taken too long to put together – Merlin knows, what spell could put together unassembled parts._

 _Thank Merlin, Phillip did not know that Sirius was here. It wasn't that Philip disliked Sirius as a person, he just disliked Sirius as a mass murderer. Sirius placed his feet up on the new ottoman, lazily swirling his glass, watching the golden liquid sift and turn._

" _Ying, Dumbledore's Army is a place for Cho to make a difference – you should be proud." he leaned back in her armchair, bringing the glass to his lips._

" _You're the imbecile who showed up outside the Ministry of Magic without any disguise! You don't get to say that. You're reckless and insufferable." She scowled into her glass. "Dumbledore's Army is a sure fire way to get killed. You remember James and Lily."_

" _That's not fair, Ying." Sirius replied calmly. "They didn't choose to die."_

" _I'm sorry. But being in the Order of the Phoenix greatly increased those chances."_

" _Ying…" Sirius stopped swirling his glass and stared at her. "That's not fair to say."_

" _Yes it is." She opened the brand new pack of Marlboros and passed a stick to him, "Cho's my daughter."_

 _Sirius placed the cigarette into his mouth._

" _And James was my brother."_

She stared out of the window. This was so different from where she lived as a child – cramped and crowded little apartments across Leicester Square. The countryside sprawled out in front of her, in lazy hues of green and pink and blue. Spring was turning to summer.

"No.4 Privet Drive Ma'am." The driver politely snapped her out of her reverie.

"Ah. Thank you." She passed him a twenty-pound note, she had stowed in her pocket. "Please keep the change."

She left the cab and entered the neatly maintained garden. It was a lovely house – white little fence, neat little stone walls, brick pavement leading through the garden. Ah, petunias. How lovely! How self-absorbed. Ying rolled her eyes and knocked on a little knocker on the door. She stretched her fingers self-consciously, fiddling with the edge of her blazer.

"Yes?" The door was opened by a shrew of a woman. Her auburn hair, now obviously thinning, was curled voluminously around her face. She could have been pretty if she smiled more when she was younger, frown lines threaded close to her mouth.

"Petunia Dursley?" she asked in her crispest RP.

"Yes." Mrs Dursley's eyebrows knit together in surprise. Her flowery dress was a tad too bright for her age. A brightly polished golden ring with an ostentatious diamond sparkled brightly on her finger.

How. Positively. Crude.

"Mrs Dursley, I'm the executrix of Mr Sirius Black's will. In his will, he has bequeathed and you and your family several things." She paused dryly for effect. "Could I please come in."

"I don't know a Sirius Black." Petunia returned. Ying watched dryly as her eyes fixed on her drab glasses, the somewhat faded suit and the plain band around her finger.

"Well Mrs Dursley, he was a friend of your sister, Lily Evans." Ying returned the stare, look-for-look. Decidedly, she fixed pointedly at the over-patterned dress and wrinkled her nose, imagining how Jaggers from Great Expectations would react had he been here. Petunia Dursley looked as politely aghast as someone could. "Please Mrs Dursley, I do not have all day."

"Alright then, come in." Petunia Dursley sniffed. Turning around in flounce, she shouted "Dudley! Someone's here to see us about a will."

Ying closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Fucking hell, Sirius Black.

-.-

" _Think." The eleven year old boy looked at her intently._

" _F-ink" she replied hesitantly. The two of them were locked in a room in the astronomy tower. Sirius was sitting on stack of astronomy books, his hands clasped in his lap. Strewn around him in a neat circle were bottles of ink._

" _Well I mean, you're getting closer?" Sirius scratched the back of his head. "I honestly don't understand why you'd need to change your accent, Ying."_

" _I dun wan people fa fink me poor." She returned, in an exaggerated cockney accent. "Damnit Sirius, I aleady look diffent and soun diffent, I dun use the light words. I can…" She sank back down on to the floor and looked at her hands_

" _You're the smartest person I know." Sirius tweedled with his thumbs. "They'd be idiots to make fun of you."_

 _-.-_

Cold grey light poured through the living room's windows. The low hum of the air conditioning, punctuated the silence. The living room smelled strongly of a rose-scented air freshener: vapid and head-whirlingly nauseating. Petunias after all were an extremely ostentatious flower.

"Well Mrs Chang, we did just get the air-conditioning. It was a new unit, just shipped in from Japan, you know. Very fashionable in London…"

"I understand, Mrs Dursley. I do work in London." She replied pointedly, taking a sip from a delicate cup. "Could I please know where Mr Dursley is? It's extremely important that he is present when the clauses in Mr Black's will concerning you are read." She self-consciously re-adjusted her posture in the too-soft chair, moving to the edge so she could not sink into its expansiveness.

She shifted her gaze to the fat boy seated in the leather recliner, gawking at the television, and frowned.

"Your son, seems to be rather interested in our conversation." She took another sip of tea.

"Oh! Dudders just has other interests! Like rugby! He's in the school team for Rugby." Petunia smiled proudly at her child, whose mouth was hanging agape at the moving pictures on the television set. A grey banner for Smithers Rugby was draped carefully on the wall. "Our little champion!"

"He certainly has the… size for it" Ying forced a thin-lipped smile. "I heard that you had the… heart… to raise Lily's child. That must have been difficult." She bit back the bitterness at the end of her tongue. Sirius had told her enough.

"Oh yes! Harry." Petunia scowled. "He's been a terror…" she trailed off and began to eye Ying suspiciously. "How did your Black-friend meet Lily?"

"Primary school friend, Mrs Dursley. Sirius indicated that he and Lily stayed in touch…intermittently." Ying gave another wry smile. She placed the tea cup on to its saucer. "You were saying about Lily's son?"

"Ah… we sent him to boarding school. St Brutus' in Warwick. He was a handful around." Petunia put a hand to massage her temples, "he used to steal. Good lord, I don't know where he got it from."

Ying nodded silently and took another sip of tea.

-.-

" _You should apologise." Ying spoke before he even opened his mouth. Her head was still bent across her work._

" _I didn't say anything." Sirius muttered. He pushed himself onto the desk. Ying made a small sound of disapproval and moved the drying parchment on to the chair next to her._

" _That's the point." Ying placed her quill down. "You egged Severus into doing something potentially dangerous and then got Potter to bail Severus out and then he got blamed by Lily for putting Severus in danger." She looked at Sirius knowingly._

" _How did you know?"_

 _Ying rolled her eyes._

" _Ravenclaws love gossip, Sirius. Knowledge is power and gossip is entertainment and knowledge mixed together in a little bowl." She pushed her hair out of her face, while Sirius sulked, back turned towards her._

" _But Snape was being a ponce."_

" _And you're a prick." Ying sighed, her fingers tracing invisible patterns into the wooden table. It was close to twilight, the night was turning a fine shade of royal blue. "Didn't you tell me that James told you to stop making Severus miserable?"_

" _Yes."_

" _Exactly, Sirius." Sirius scowled and sprawled his body across the table, his head rested against her Astronomy book._

" _I thought he was joking." He lamely replied, still glaring at the ceiling._

" _No, you didn't.," Ying calmly shuffled through her pages of parchment, neatly numbering each face._

" _Can I sleep here tonight?" Sirius mumbled, his back was still turned to her._

" _I'll transfigure you a bed. And the whisky's in the cupboard."_

" _Love you, Ying."_

 _-.-_

Vernon Dursley was the reddest man Ying had ever seen. He was even redder than her brother when he drank. His face was different shades of red. The light pink of exertion because of the arduous trek from the driveway; bright red from the bright sun; and puce from possibly high blood pressure. A lovely ginger moustache topped his wet upper lip, like a little mole wearing a wig.

"So this Black-fella, he left us money?" he chortled, his tiny eyes glinting, as he sank down into one of his cotton candy arm chairs. "Goodness, Petunia! I never thought you sister'd bring any sort of good news."

The two of them chuckled together. Petunia's eyes lighting up in jest, that Ying never knew that woman was capable of. This must have been a lovely place to live in, Ying thought, if you were not Harry Potter.

She cleared her throat.

"Well Mr and Mrs Dursley, you are in his will. Allow me to read out the requisite bequeathments." She pulled the letter out of her handbag, and began.

"To Mrs Petunia Dursley, you stuck up praying mantis…."

The Dursleys' stared at her in shock.

-.-

" _I hate her." Sirius sighed dramatically, rolling on to her bed. "I absolutely hate that praying mantis shrew-like creature."_

" _Don't be dramatic, Sirius." She huffed, putting on the Kinks record that she knew calmed him down, "You don't hate any woman." She turned for dramatic effect, to face him, "you just want to hate-fuck them."_

" _I'm serious, Ying!" Sirius sat up on her bed, looking extremely out of place on her cream sheets amidst her wall of stuffed animals. "She told Lily not to come to her wedding."_

" _Wow. Her own sister?" Ying raised an eye brow. "She wouldn't."_

" _She did." Sirius snarled, pushing aside a comically large teddy bear. "Imagine if Wen Bin did that to you."_

" _He'd never." The smooth sound of the Kinks erupted from the record player with a small screech. "He'd want me to make the fireworks."_

 _Sirius mumbled something unintelligible as she walked towards her bed, landing on it with a small thump. She lay on his thigh, her feet dangling off the edge of her bed as The Kinks sang about a woman who was actually a man._

-.-

"…to you, you absolute shrew of a woman. I leave to you one bat-bogey hex ."

Ying stood up silently, amidst the gaping Dursleys and fished her wand out of her sleeve. Flicking it calmly, she watched as waves of bats erupted out of Petunia Dursley's nose. The woman began shrieking, clawing at her face in shock and pain.

Ying stared at her blankly and picked up the rest of Sirius' letter.

"You are a terrible bitch who gave Harry an unnecessarily hard time. You made his life a living hell. I had a mother like you, who was shrew-like and perpetually unhappy, she deserved that hex. But since she's dead and you're not, I suppose you can have it." She read amidst Petunia's shrieks of terror and her husband and son's shouts of horror. Bats were making nests throughout the house, some behind the television, some squirming and tunnelling into Vernon Dursley's shirt, behind Dudley, into the sofa cushions.

"You bitch!" shouted Vernon Dursley, "Get out of my _house_!" His hands waving away the bats as he tried to lumber towards her. Ying rolled her eyes.

She turned towards him bats erupting behind her. _Of course, Sirius didn't think about bat droppings in her hair._

"As for you Vernon Dursley, you are an arse who made my god-son live in a cupboard. A fucking cupboard. You starved him. You hit him. You imprisoned him in your little suburbia nightmare. To you, you fat wanker, I give a kick in the nuts and clearly since you're such a devil, horns on your flaccid fat wall of a body."

 _Jesus,Sirius. He must have really hated these people_.

She pointed her wand at Vernon Dursley.

"Patrificus Totalus." The man's body shot ram-rod straight and he plummeted to the floor with a loud thud, on to several still wiggling bats. His face, turned a deep shade of magenta, as he fought against the invisible binds. She looked at him smugly. And without any hesitation, she swung her foot straight into his groin. That was cathartic, especially since, she was getting covered in bat droppings.

Vernon led out a muffled squeak which could have been a groan. His face turning another shade of red. Another thud came from behind her, Petunia Dursley, fell to the floor. Her arms grasping at the bats coming out from her, trying to prevent them from clawing her face. She writhed around, one hand trying to cover her nostrils, to prevent the bats from flying out but to no avail. Seconds after she did, dozens of bats shot out from her nose, scratching her palm with their thin needle like claws, biting her with their little fangs, pouring out like the Niagra Falls.

There were now too many bats. Ying pointed her wand at Petunia Dursley, muttering the counter-hex and slowly the flood of bats turned into a trickle. The huge cloud of bats still hung overhead, clutching to the beams of the ceiling, watching her with their beady little eyes.

Ying turned on Vernon Dursley and pointed her wand towards him. And with a bang a puff of glittering smoke, antlers began growing. Larger and larger they sprouted until they reached the length of his shoulders.

"Well that's a good thing," Ying laughed sardonically, "this kind of shows you're virile."

The last member of the family, Dudley, was crouched behind his leather recliner. Bats were nesting his hair, some were clutching on his jumper. The jiggling jelly-like boy, was curled up like a slug, terrified of the small woman who had entered his home.

"To Dudley," she read, her hand still clutching, Sirius' note. "You are an absolute prick. You mistreated and bullied your cousin for years. You hit him around, treated him like your slave, spat on him, ignored him and were a general ponce. You no-good fat fuck, I leave to you my favourite spell."

She watched as the boy began trembling even more. How absolutely fantastic, she was hexing a fifteen year old boy, a child, one year younger than her own daughter. She raised her wand.

A small puff of smoke came from the nose of her wand and settled around the boy. She watched triumphantly as the smoke cleared away leaving Dudley with piggy little legs and a piggy little tail.

-.-

" _You've never hexed anyone?"_ _Sirius stared at her in disbelief. "But you're a fourth year."_

" _Yes." She sniffed, "because unlike you Griffindor children, the Ravenclaws don't get into unnecessary fights with people who don't see things our way."_

" _Ugh, you're bore-YING! Hah! Great pun! Huh?" Sirius snorted, his arm slung around her. Ying's eyes narrowed. She raised her wand towards him._

" _Titillando."_

 _Sirius fell to the floor. Groaning, moaning and giggling incessantly._

" _Ying, what the fucc-hehehheh stop-heheh.." he gasped while laughing, in a pool of his own robes._

" _Great morning, isn't it Sirius?" she smiled, watching him. "I guess you could say I hexed someone."_

 _-.-_

It took her two hours to clear up the mess. A good fifteen minutes, to remove all the bats and also to purposefully leave a few behind. Fifteen minutes, for the counter-hex on Vernon Dursley's horns, which would make them vanish in about two weeks. Four minutes for leaving Dudley his little curly tail. And the rest, tampering with the memories of the Dursleys' and the rest of their neighbours.

Vengeance was terribly draining and complicated work.

Ying picked up her handbag and looked at the rest of the letter – _great, Remus Lupin's turn._ She turned out of Privet Drive, out on to the main road, seeing if there were any cabs which she could hail to the train station.


End file.
